Why I doubt I’ll ever have children

It looks like the powers-that-be in Langley BC have officially lost their minds. And it’s over a single incident.

A couple of 15 year old boys sent lewd messages to a 12 year old girl on Facebook. They also sent pics of their wee-wees to her. She was delighted. All was well, until her idiot mother caught her innocent daughter online in the middle of the night. She was on - you guessed it - Facebook.

So mom loses it, does a bit of sleuthing (you go mom!), and discovers that the original exchange had taken place on school property during school hours! Well, what’s a mom to do, but call the school, demand that they remove access to the site for ALL schools in the district, and annoy the RCMP in to pursuing the matter with the boys’ parents.

This is reminiscent of another mother who caught her 11 year daughter sending and receiving lewd messages, this time via MSN instant messaging. The other party was an 18 year old baseball prospect for a US team. You know the drill: daughter played the ’tearful victim’ card, and mom flipped. (I’d ask where ’dad’ is in all of this, but that’s just wrong.)

The young man was jailed for “sexual coercion of a minor”, until it was discovered that the girl had told him she was 14. The conviction was over-turned on appeal, he went on to play ball in the US (something he wouldn’t have been able to do had he gotten a prison record), and the girl’s mother is probably looking for someone else to blame for why her daughter is on crack today.

I’m only half joking.

Back in the day, these situations would’ve been resolved in a really simple way: kick the kid’s ass. Not physically, but via serious groundings, loss of priviledges, that sort of thing. Then go to the parents of the boys in question and kick their asses. Again, not physically. (Actually, I think I would.) The point IS that there’s no need to make this into more than something that can be resolved between the parties involved.

But this is an era of zero accountability. And no one wants to get their hands dirty. Parents are taking their children out for Hallowe’en in their double-wide strollers (don’t want to give the angels an inferiority complex!), or just as soon as ’little precious’ can walk - even though they’ll have NO recollection of having gone.

These parents either spend more time on social-networking sites than their children, or are completely computer illiterate. The latter of the two couldn’t be bothered to actually check on little Jemma’s and Jayson’s online activities. This is the golden age for pervs, when luring a child from a chat room into reality is as easy as.. blaming somebody else for the crappy job at parenting that you’re doing.

No, there was no internet when I was growing up. But there were still threats and (most of) our parents equipped us as best they could without treating us like God incarnate. I have a newsflash, folks: your children, your special little clones are about as ’special’ and ’unique’ as everybody else’s children.

Think about that… although I already know that you’d rather not. And it’s for this reason and many others that I doubt I’ll ever have children. I care about them too much to bring my own into this world of moronic parents and future narcissists.

PLEASE - Just shut up and SING!

Even though I’ve visited this subject before, it keeps rearing its ugly head in one way or another. What else can I do but share?

There are some days when I miss the simplicity of the music world past. Before technology came and ‘changed’ everything forever. I’m not referring to the days before video officially killed the radio star. After all, video was initially meant to paint a picture to go along with the sound.

Yes, it is tragic that many artists who weren’t the best-looking failed to impress the first ‘Mtv Generation’. (Christopher Cross, anyone?) But that’s why community college exists: to offer hope to those who want a second chance in life.

Back in the flawed but brilliant 80s, most of what we knew about our favorite artists came from either teen magazines, music video programs, or word of mouth (ie: rumors). Today, it’s completely different.

Bands have their own websites/forums from where they can talk about anything and everything. These subjects have ranged from their favorite electoral candidate to their favorite cologne.

On the surface, it sounds like a great thing. But then there are those moments when you feel like it’s become more about the artist than the art. Sometimes I don’t care to know about your family or what you had for breakfast. I want to hear about your ART.

That’s the beauty of having more than one web page - one for your art and another for your mundanity.

PLEASE, just shut up and sing!

Even the Dixie Chicks got the point… eventually.

The Color and The Race.

Barack Obama is NOT a Black man. Nor will he be the first Black president. He is biracial. His mother is white. His father Black.

Tiger Woods is NOT a Black man. Nor is he the greatest Black golfer in the history of the game. His mother is Thai. His father biracially Black and white.

Halle Berry is NOT a Black woman. Nor is she the first Black woman to win an Oscar for ‘Best Actress’. Her mother is white. Her father Black.

Mariah Carey is NOT a Black woman. She is insane.

There are numerous examples of other multi-ethnic folks out there who tend to take on their minority ethnicity as the sum whole of their being, either voluntarily or not. We are, as a society, divisive by nature. We like to put anyone or anything that is even remotely different into their own special little box. We say that we’re doing so as a way of ‘celebrating our differences’.

Really?

I used the examples of Obama, Woods, and Berry to demonstrate the validity of my next point. Shortly after the good ol’ slave days, a friendly term was created to handle any pesky confusion that may arise between Blacks and whites. It was called “the one drop rule”. It suggested that even a single drop of ‘negro’ blood in one’s veins renders them Black.

Actually, the logic applies to all non-white races, but is mostly applied to Blacks. A biracially Chinese and white person is more likely to be called “part Asian”, for example. A biracially Black and white person is usually simply ‘Black’, or refered to as the lovely ‘mulatto‘ - derived from spanish, meaning ‘young mule’. It originates from Spanish slave traders who considered biracial slaves useless. Good times.

When a presidential candidate’s ethnicity takes more precedence over the current two term president’s C Student grades, AWOL status, cocaine abusing days, and failed business ventures, it goes to show just how screwed up the world really is.

I look forward to the day when Barack and Woods are simply men, and Berry and Carey are simply women. Need we really say more?

(I really think that Carey IS insane though.)

My definition of a “bitch”.

(And I’m using the word “bitch” in the gangsta sense, which means male OR female.)You may read the full story here if you wish, but if you ask me, my summary is far more entertaining. Basically, this dude thought it would be the height of genius if he proposed to his girlfriend by placing the engagement ring into a helium filled balloon. The object was for her to literally ‘pop’ the balloon as he ‘popped’ the question. Pretty smart, huh? Instead, a gust of wind snatched the balloon into the heavens, leaving our hero empty-handed. The intended was less than impressed, demanding that he replace the now departed ring with another. Problem was, he’d blown $12,000 on the first one, leaving him broke. This imbecile tried, in vain, to follow the ring-carrying balloon’s flight path, but eventually gave up. She is now refusing to speak to him until he replaces the ring. I say, dude, cut your losses and leave her. Let’s review. Dude attempts to propose to this hag in an original - if stupid - way. She, failing to appreciate this, demands that he produce blood from a stone. He is hoping the ring still turns up, adding, “It would be amazing if someone found it.” No, it would be amazing if people like you found a backbone and put jerks in their place. To be fair, however, my guess is that this guy is probably a bit of a f***-up to start with. It’s entirely possible that this is not the first idiotic thing he’s done, hence her less than kind reaction. After all, any other caring woman would be mortified to know that her man spent a large fraction of his annual income on her engagement ring, only to lose it under such tragic circumstances. This brings me to why I agree with Pamela Anderson’s choice of engagement ring: the tattooed variety. Ah, NOTHING says “Forever” quite like the tattooed ring. No worries about misplacement by drunken best men or freakish gusts of wind. And best of all, you KNOW that the marriage will last forever! PS: Speaking of “Can’t Buy Me Love”, looks like Heather Mills managed to milk ex-Beatle bonehead Paul “We Don’t Need A Pre-Nup” McCartney out of some $40 million CDN. Clearing those landmines must cost her a fortune…

Lindsay Lohan tries to channel Marilyn Monroe…

… And fails miserably.
Yes, Lindsay has nice breasts. And to be honest, I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for freckles.

My problem is with the photographer’s choice of shots to mimic. This dude shot Marilyn in the nude. THE NUDE. One would guess that he had a pretty good idea of what her curves looked like. Seeing how, erm, ‘different’ Lohan’s body is from MM’s, why would he choose to mimic this pic?

Or this one?

Or even this one?

Marilyn’s body was the epitome of what a woman’s body should look like. Curvy. Natural. Among most of today’s young Hollywood, having large breasts - at any price - is enough. This photo shoot proves it.

When the rest of your body resembles that of a nine year old Chinese boy from the waist down, maybe Marilyn is not the ‘icon’ you should be trying to channel. On the other hand, ’straight up, straight down’ seems to be what the general North American public seem to want today.

Well, except for blacks and hispanics, of course! (We will worship curves until the end of time.)

Hell, maybe I’m part of the problem by saying what I AM saying about LL’s body. I make no apologies for wanting women to accept who they are though. It’s the anorexic ‘role models’ I pass judgement on. (Shame on you!)

Most women don’t - nor should they - have Marilyn’s 36D breasts. But neither should they be starving themselves to resemble a certain hotel heiress’s body either. Marilyn probably had more than 30% body fat, but she’s considered the ultimate in beauty among most women.

How bizarre, in an era of weight loss gimics and obsessive dieting.

What a difference a couple of generations make, hm?

The Power Of The Hoax

You ever get one of those chain letter emails that tugs at your heart?

They usually involve a dying or seriously ill child, but close with some kind of odd request, like “If you want to make this child smile, forward this to as many people as possible…”.

Next thing you know, you’re actually doing it. You feel that if you DON’T, you don’t really deserve to live.

All of these hoaxes point to the same, lonely losers who originated them.

But don’t take MY word for it. There are a number of websites devoted to debunking these kinds of emails. The two best are:

http://www.sophos.com/security/hoaxes/

http://www.snopes.com

Should you receive such an email, do yourself a favor before forwarding it on to someone else: go to those sites and type in a related search query, or copy and paste a couple of sentences from the email in question, put it in quotations, and do a Google search.

(Copy and paste different lines, though. Not only one. Sometimes the message gets slightly skewed as it travels from person to person.)

I hope this made some sense. I’m really bloody tired…

“STRIPPERS” vs “DANCERS”

A woman I was recently chatting with mentioned how her friend makes SO much money as a dancer. Naturally, I asked her which club her friend worked at, to which she snapped “She’s not a STRIPPER, I said she’s a DANCER!”

Great. I’m guilty of committing the same sin so many others do: referring to ’strippers’ as ‘dancers’.

Once upon a time, strippers were commonly called ‘exotic dancers’.

Somewhere along the way, someone - possibly strippers themselves - decided to refer to them simply as ‘dancers’, removing the word ‘exotic’ from the description. And ‘real’ dancers everywhere were furious.

I realise that a girl’s gotta eat and all, but for God’s sake learn the difference between what you ARE and what you DO. You are a STRIPPER who happens to DANCE. This does not a dancer make.

A dancer is usually someone who has invested a fair amount of time perfecting their craft, getting to know the limitations of their bodies, etc.

A stripper is usually someone who has invested a fair amount of time perfecting the fine art of balancing herself on a pole, gyrating, and dancing badly to music by Vanity 6 or Whitesnake.

I’m not saying that there aren’t any GOOD strippers out there. But just stop calling yourselves ‘dancers’. To me, it would be like a dude who goes around calling himself a doctor just because he works for ‘Rug Doctor’…

The Sad Road To Immortality.

There was an art piece that I’d seen a couple of years back or so. It was a collection of images of dead celebrities, all youngish. Che Guevara was in one. So were Marilyn and James Dean. Of course, Elvis was tossed into the mix as well. If memory serves me correctly, the title of it was “I’m Dead, But At Least I Kept My Good Looks”.

It was meant as a commentary on the cult of celebrity and how huge a part it plays in our every day lives. Even during times of war, famine, you name it. While these folks have long left us, their celebrity lives on and will continue to throughout time. We need them, after all. They remind us of what we could become if we really put our minds to it.

Of course, we would do it all so much differently. We would ‘keep it real’, making sure that our friends would still be our friends. Yeah, we may go to the occasional party/awards show/premiere, but we’d be far more careful about who we’re seen with. And as for the paparazzi, are you kidding me? We’d NEVER let things get that crazy! Yes, we’d still be the normal, everyday people we’ve always been.

With that, we pick up the celebrity gossip rags and proceed to gawk at so-and-so’s HUGE ass, such-and-such’s AWFUL dress/haircut, and what’s-her-name’s bizarre antics following the latest child visitation ruling against her. “If I had that kind of cash, I’d have my own island to retreat to. George Cloony did it! So did Johnny Depp! Why can’t they?!”

For some reason, we choose to forget that these people were probably also “normal, everyday people” at one time. Life just happened to hit them at 300 km/second. A life they may not have been ready for. Some people have better coping skills than others.

You cried over a parking ticket you got.

They cried over not being able to step out of the house without being followed by 25 photographers. Every hour. Every day.

“They can always quit if they don’t like it! Tons of people would DIE to be in their place!” Maybe. And perhaps that’s why some choose to ‘quit’ the easy way.

Take one talented young man, for example, who don’t vie for the limelight. He didn’t make regular appearances at awards shows, nor was he tabloid fodder. From all accounts, he did his best to keep his young family life as private as possible. It looks like his death was accidental, but I still feel for his daughter, about whom he had this to say in his final interview:

“I feel good about dying because I feel alive through her.”

RIP Heath Ledger.

Politics + Musician/Actor Support = Disaster

Today, I read that Arcade Fire’s Win Butler is staunchly supporting Barack Obama in the next US election. As much as I love his band, I’m BEGGING musicians and actors to please, PLEASE stay out of this year’s elections.

Especially given the results of the last one.I’m not going to get into whom I support this time round, but I will admit that I’m glad that we (ie: the world) will finally be rid of Baby Bush. The global damage that has been done during his reign will take considerably longer to repair, but these things take time.

Back to the topic at hand, I believe that Bush was voted back in partially because of the number of pompous musicians and actors who’d jumped on the Kerry bandwagon. Kerry - a man who has less personality than a cigar store ‘Indian’ - somehow garnered the respect and adoration of many of Hollywood’s and the music scene’s intellectual midgets.

While Baby Bush’s message was incredibly clear (”No gay marriage! No free speech! No need for logic as a US president!”), Kerry’s was extremely vague. Compound that with the celebs who supported him and the combo made little to no sense. If anything, their support ultimately alienated many in the ‘undecided’ camp.

Listen: I’m all for rocking the vote and all that. But there’s a difference between rallying for support and simply showing up for the party. Regrettably, too many young American voters - the demographic that could’ve gotten Baby Bush out of office - chose the latter of the two options. Then slept in on voting day. Bravo.

(Ever notice how few ‘anti-war protests take place before 9 AM? Friggin’ hippy morons…)

Anyway, that’s really all I wanted to say. Let’s put the focus back where it belongs: onto the actual candidates. After all, since when have politicians had anything to do with showmanship?…

PS: I think that Hilary Clinton is a creepy, creepy robot. And speaking of Hilary, I recently heard a joke about how it’ll be the first time she’s slept in the President’s bed if she wins this election.

The end.

Did you hear? Jennifer Love Hewitt’s proud of her body!

And she even volunteered at a shelter this Christmas!

(Guess she was too busy during the remaining 364 days of the year…)

YAY! You’re relevant again, Jen!

To those of you who know not of what I speak, here’s the summary: “The Other ‘J-Lo’” was recently photographed on the beach, revealing a different body from what most of us are used to seeing. Her lower half was not only larger than we’re used to seeing, but (*GASP!*) patches of cellulite are even visible, too!

In response, JLH has hit out at critics of her currently humanoid shape, saying that she “loves” her body right now and has no problem with it. She’s also lamented the damage that this backlash will have on young girls out there who either have or are considering having body image issues. “For shame!”, she says. And rightfully so!

Kinda.

I think it’s awesome that she’s taking the stand that she is. Young girls and women in general need to be reminded of how beautiful they are, as is. It’s not necessary for you to buy the fake boobs, get the rinoplasty, or hunt for the cellulite creams. So, for that I’ll say Good on ya, Jess, but why now? Especially when you’ve become as irrelevant as you have?

See, it would’ve been one thing if you’d taken this stance about 6 years ago, back in your ‘prime’. But why now, when you have so little to lose? I mean, what other stance could you have taken now?

It reminds me of when George Michael got popped for ‘lewd acts’ in that toilet, ultimately ‘outing’ him. (Because none of us already knew he was gay.) Suddenly, he became a champion of gay rights causes and campaigns everywhere. He even boasted, “I’m mostly surprised that people didn’t realize it sooner!” Silly us, George. You got us on that one.

Then there’s Katherine Heigl of “Grey’s Anatomy” fame. After starring in the hugely successful “Knocked Up”, she recently told Vanity Fair how she felt that it was a ’sexist’ movie; how “It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys… It was hard for me to love the movie.”

Wow. Touching stuff, Katherine. Of course, you probably didn’t find the movie’s success too ‘hard’ to deal with once her salary went up from $300,000 to $6,000,000 per film. No, the important thing is that you spoke her mind after the fact. You go, girl…

Yes, JLH is suddenly relevant again. All thanks to an ugly attack that she wisely spun in her own favor. You may ask what the harm is if even one person is positively affected by JLH’s response to all of this. Honestly, there is no harm at all. On the other hand, had she decided to dismiss her slimmer figure whilst she was still at her peak, I would probably be considerably less dismissive of her proselytizing than I am now.

As for the remaining young, ‘flawless’ starlets out there (who are most likely binging and purging as we speak), know this: you can look forward to my commentary that will follow your inevitable dismissal of the Machine that put you where you are in the first place. Once they’ve tired of you first, of course.

Oh, and for the record, I LOVE JLH’s body now.